My heart is a glass half filled with water. Every day a drop of water instill in my heart. Today the news of your death completes the last drop needed to fill my glass....
No one loved you as much as I did. You knew it better than anyone. You even told me you knew I loved you most. Yet you didn't love me. You chased after guys 10 years younger than me. Now you are dead. Am I supposed to forgive you? Death is not the replacement of forgiveness, nor sadness of understanding.
The night before you were admitted to the hospital. I stayed over to take care of you. Melanoma had taken a toll over you. You were a withering tree in winter. No longer you were the youthful guy I knew. Your speech slurred. Your legs were weak. I had to used all my strength just to help you to go to the bathroom.
You told me you wish we were still together. Without thinking, I disagreed instantly. You had no idea how many years it took me to have the courage to say no. I was no longer the same person you first met. If I was still with you, I would be miserable. You were drunk all day. When you were not drinking, you were high on pot. You yelled at me for no reason and I blamed myself for your problems.
After we broke up, we hardly talk. Our paths didn't cross. You couldn't resist the thrill of meeting new partners, one after another. I was busy cultivating my long term relationship. We were different. Distance grew. Ironically, cancer bought me back to you. Much left to say. Not enough time to tell. Yet, I knew you understood. When you looked at me on your death bed, you were so weak you couldn't even talk. For one second, your eyes brightened, I knew you were trying to tell me something. I wished I would get everyone out of the room. Even no word was exchanged, deep down, I knew what you were trying to say.
Yes, me too.
I guess the thing made me most upset was I wasn't the person you chose to depend on. You knew I would never betray you. Yet you chose your best friend as your guardian. You knew I would be the perfect candidate to take care of you. Proud wouldn't have your way.
For that I cannot forgive you.
If I forgive you, I will cry. If I cry, I will not stop and I don't want to cry.
I will see you some day. You were just a bit earlier than most of us.